by The Turtlenecks
While I barely recognize the illegality of where we parked (it is surely debatable), I nevertheless take umbrage to being the victim of a renegade tow truck driver who is simply trying to make an example of well-known musicians. The fact that The Turtlemobile was parked in front of an adult toy store surely only adds to your salacious motivation of getting your name–and ours–in the papers in a context not befitting our image. While we did raise an eyebrow when we saw the sign read “toys”, the items they advertised in the window were decidedly more “adult” than something like those cool McFarlane figures of horror movie characters.
Truth is, that same plaza in Hollywood is home to where your beloved Turtlenecks buy our ice cream mix-in creations after every show, and that’s exactly where we were on the night the Turtlemobile was ruthlessly whisked away.
I had my usual Necco wafers mix-in, while Noah tried the all new black licorice. Mine was awesome, as always. Noah wasn’t crazy about his, though. I told him it was because he doesn’t even like black licorice. He agreed, but defended the choice by suggesting the proper ice-cream-to-licorice balance would give him a new perspective on the confection, and that maybe it would be better as an ingredient rather than as a main course, like olives. Either way, we agreed the experiment failed, but in the name of science, sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make a souffle.
(Also, I don’t mind one bit giving the ice cream proprietors a free plug here: thank you General Custard’s Ice Cream & Massage Parlour for yet another evening of wonderful service, and for honoring our 2-for-1 coupon even though it expired November 30th. Now please corroborate our story to the press before the story dies down and the truth disappears into murky recollections and the cutting room floor of the inevitable “E! True Hollywood Story” that results from this mess.)
In any event, we parked in a legal spot in front of General Custard’s. It may in fact be true that the Turtlemobile hung over the line into the handicapable ramp that leads to the adult “toy” store, but it bears noting that this cannot be helped. The Turtlemobile, as everyone knows, is tricked out with a giant faux turtleshell covering the van, and has a modest sized collapsable stage on the passenger side that is lowered by two chain pullees. Add to that our far-reaching/audience-friendly elaborate speaker & sub-woofer section on the passenger side along with the necessary counter-balance on the driver side, and the result of such a multi-featured vehicle is an increased width, not unlike that of a standard “wide load” lumber truck or “mobile house” — both legal vehicles, the drivers of which I suspect have every right to pull over for an occasional ice cream novelty. So if you’re noticing that things are not as merry around town right now, maybe it is because The Turtlenecks have not stepped out and surprised unsuspecting sidewalk traffic, businessmen and store owners with a spontaneous free concert-on-wheels. The joy of seeing someone recognize our music as we pull up, then watching them jog along the street trying to keep up with us as we drive on (our intern Kevin just got his license) is something of which the city is now bereft. It is especially upsetting this time of year, as peace and goodwill seem to be spelled by greed and ill-will thanks to Mr. Charlie Scrooge and his merry band of (opposite of mirthmakers). I just hope you know that when you towed the Turtlemobile, you also towed away the joy of every man, woman and non-gender-specific child who might have enjoyed our performances. And as soon as we accrue $200 in petty cash, we will come down there and address this issue with you face to face, even though said faces will be separated by bullet-proof glass.
On behalf of The Turtlenecks, LLC,
The Turtlenecks