by Snaithbert Collins
PALO ALTO, CA – Palo Alto resident Snaithbert Collins was the victim of burglary recently, when someone removed several “Turtlenecks” CDs from his cubicle at the Wilmington Plastics and Plexiglas Co. where he works as a systems analyst. The CDs were apparently taken while Collins was at the fax machine, attempting to clear another Goddamn paper jam. “It’s not like I could even listen to them,” remarked Collins, regarding his recently purloined CDs. “No one at WP&P is allowed to play their own music. All we can listen to is Lite 103.2, which plays that ‘Peter Cetera’ bullshit all day. If I hear the theme from ‘The Karate Kid II’ one more time, I swear to Christ someone’s going to die.” Collins apparently brought the “Turtlenecks” CDs into work to copy the cover art for use in his extremely popular Turtlenecks newsletter, “News of the ‘Necks.” He is offering a reward for the safe return of the compact discs, one of which is a hard-to-find import that his uncle picked up for him when he went to Europe last year.